August 13, 2014
So, have you ever bought a book about healing and recovery or signed up for a class and felt instant relief at having just made that effort? Yeah, me too. Feels momentarily wonderful doesn’t it? Momentarily being the key word here.I have been in DBT skills classes with others and have been coaching DBT skills for a few years and I have noticed nothing new, and here it is. If YOU don’t work, IT doesn’t work. It can’t. Only you can. Here is something else not new. There are no shortcuts. There is only one way to get to a place where our emotions aren’t controlling us and to function in a way that we so long for, and that is through the fire by consistent practice. [More]
July 31, 2014
“The obsession with instant gratification blinds us from our long term potential" - Michael Dooley
Where the rubber really meets the road is what actions we take to get the results we have. I my life, I have started out so many times with the best intentions that went wrong because of the impulsivity caused by having BPD (which I was unaware of until I was in my late 40's). It was awful because I blamed and shamed myself for having no discipline to follow through. [More]
June 27, 2014
One of my darling Facebook readers brought up the issue of something I posted having triggered them. I never think about trigger warnings and I do care about it a lot so I apologize to anyone who may be negatively affected by it, but I still won’t post trigger warnings, because I would have to do that for everything I say. Having said that, I would like you to consider the idea of re-framing triggers into something positive. A trigger is there to tell us that something is to be avoided or healed and they give us the opportunity to decide which one of those things is important using our wise mind. You know, the intersection between logic AND emotions. [More]
May 31, 2014
Hey Ya'll! Meet my great, great, grandmother on my fathers side, Kesiah Parker. That's one of the more normal names in my ancestry. They have been in South Carolina for 16 generations. I am so lucky to work with a family member client who is a genealogist who graciously offered to do my family tree and it was a very eye opening experience. I found this photo haunting because I know she came from a time in the deep south of the U.S. that saw the Civil War right in their own backyard. She was a female in a time when females were treated like property with no rights and it was acceptable by law. The pain is in her eyes and I felt it deeply as I gazed at her.
As I came down the branches to my biological father, I thought of where he came from and I do know a lot of history. They were poor and well UNDER-educated. He had an alcoholic abusive father and a mother who did her best to raise 9 kids with almost nothing. Let's just say that emotional needs were ... [More]
May 22, 2014
When I found the concept of so called Borderline Personality Disorder, it really made a lot of sense to me as I went down the list going yep, that's me, yes, I do that, check, check, check. Still, there was a piece missing that haunted me and I just couldn't figure it out. I was researching PTSD and found an article on something I had never heard of. Complex PTSD. All my years and dozens of visits to highly educated psychiatrists and psychologists telling my story of chronic trauma and what I was dealing with and not one of them brought this up (or BPD). Stunning. Side note: That's why when someone says you shouldn't self diagnose, my response is "why not? I can read and I know myself a smidge better than someone who just spent 55 minutes with me conjuring up an opinion based on a manual to satisfy the bottom feeders at the insurance companies". Not that I'm cynical about the mental illness industry or the 30 plus years I spent trying to get h... [More]
May 12, 2014
I saw a post on Facebook the other day on a photograph of a high falutin' female gently tugging on her strand of pearls. The caption read "I'm not needy, I'm wanty". I had a chuckle over that as I began to ponder the use of the word needy usually, heck, always in a negative way. You generally don't hear things like "she's so needy and I love that about her." or "his neediness makes me so hot for him". No, no. It's usually, "her neediness is sucking the life out of me" or "Jesus, I need 3 of me to deal with his constant needs". That kind of thinking will cause the downfall of many relationships and not just romantic ones.
Let's talk about needs because every single human alive has them. If you read about Maslows hierarchy of needs they go from bottom to top in a pyramid from the basic, physical needs of food, shelter, etc, safety, loving and belonging, self-esteem and finally self-actualization. Most of us reading this, were pr... [More]
March 14, 2014
Those lyrics are from one of my favorite Bonnie Raitt tunes, "Tangled and Dark". "Gonna tell the truth about it baby, and honey that's my favorite part". Getting to the truth takes some non-judgemental awareness, a practice I highly recommend if you truly value your relationships, even when the truth is unpleasant. Heck, that's the good stuff and this week, I had the opportunity to dig in and shed some light on some tangled and dark parts residing in my daughter Chelsea.
She and I went to an insurance agents office to obtain the difficult to obtain insurance that is now available. My normally friendly and jovial daughter was being pretty curt to both me and the agent. She is very passionate (like her mama) about her holistic lifestyle. We believe in chiropractic as the key to good health. Of course the medical system, which focuses on an illness model does not view it that way and neither do the insurance companies, so we weren't getting covered for chiro... [More]
February 26, 2014
This blog is for both genders but I am speaking to the women and for same sex couples, it's the feminine. They are ones I have personally been dealing with on this issue of which I have also struggled with mightily. This is not a holier than thou lecture but a hey, I’m a coach who studies this and I can’t wait to try this stuff on the next lucky man in my life blog. If you are more fortunate than I in this department and have a man to play with then maybe you can lead the way!
Hey Ladies! The space between winter and spring has a new name lately. Judging by the temperature and storm surges I have been witnessing, it's massive fear of abandonment season right now. Highly emotionally sensitive women who suffer traits from emotion dysregulation disorder(also inaccurately known as borderline personality disorder) generally suffer greatly from fear of abandonment. Out of the mouths of my awesome client babes:
“ I am sitting... [More]
January 22, 2014
A week before Christmas, my daughter leaned over me at 5:30 in the morning to softly kiss my cheek. I woke up and saw the outline of her face over me in the light from the hallway. “I’m leaving for the airport mom”. She was on her way to Canada to spend Christmas with her dad and sister. “I love you so much and I hate to leave you alone at Christmas. I feel bad”. I took a deep breath, knowing this moment was coming and wanting to handle it so that she could freely go off and enjoy herself. We had both pretty much avoided the subject and I thought I was doing her a favor by acting like I was totally fine at the thought of spending the holiday by myself. The truth was, I had been struggling with sadness over it and in moments, not wanting her to go. As I became more coherent the answer came to me. “Honey, it is ok for you to feel compassion that I am alone... [More]
December 18, 2013
It's the most wonderful time of the year. With parties for hosting, marshmellows for toasting, etc. Constant images of big warm, huggy, happy families gathered around the fire with a Macy'sesque tree in the background. This is how the holidays are defined for us by others and I, like most everyone else have bought into it, hook, line and sinker. When my world was flipped on its ear a couple of years ago, it became the most miserable time of the year and marshmellows didn't help. I spent 25 years married with children. Having other people to take care of was a wonderful distraction to my often suppressed symptoms of complex ptsd and BPD and I gained good feelings about myself by taking care of them. I was the chief shopper, chef, decorator and party planner and I reveled in providing the atmosphere for others. Now, I am single, the kids are grown and gone for Christmas and I am left to redefine what the holidays are supposed to be like. I ... [More]